


Roy and Royalty

by amythis



Category: Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: Bad Matchmaking, F/M, Friends to friends, fake engagement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:20:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25708081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amythis/pseuds/amythis
Summary: In the chasm between Seasons Five and Six, in the never quite canonical relationship between Leonard Kosnowski and Laverne DeFazio, exists the tale of how a false engagement prevented two ill-advised but strongly urged marriages, without leading to their own matrimonial alliance, true or otherwise.
Relationships: Laverne DeFazio/Lenny Kosnowski
Comments: 26
Kudos: 5





	1. In which the heroine, hero, and dilemma of this story are introduced

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a legitimate claim to a throne must be in want of a wife. A single woman, with a very narrow income and small prospects, however, must be a desperate old maid, particularly as she approaches that critical age of a quarter century. Yet it would take a concatenation of circumstances for two such individuals to agree to a betrothal, and at that, their matrimonial alliance must remain, for the present, a consummation devoutly to be wished for.

Our tale begins one evening three years short of the twentieth century being two-thirds completed, when Laverne DeFazio, a pert girl of nearly twenty-five, composed of an unusual admixture of sense and sensibility, awaited the arrival of Leonard Kosnowski at her humble abode, which, like Laverne herself, was not simply down to earth but a little below earth. Leonard, who was more commonly known as Lenny, and sometimes Len to his friends, and less commonly known as the Count of Kulikowski, was of an age with Laverne and indeed they had grown up together. Lenny was a tall but far from imposing figure and, despite his lineage, even less ambitious than Laverne. This was one of many reasons she generally felt at ease in his presence, although she was discomfited when he stood in the doorway of her basement apartment on that particular evening.

"You wanted to see me, Laverne?"

She nodded and patted the sopha cushion next to her own, although she knew he was more likely to select the arm. "I got your invitation."

He grinned and flew down the extremely short flight of stairs that led to the sitting room and sat, on the cushion next to hers. "We're gonna have so much fun, Laverne! Even better than last time."

Her first and so far only ball had been a combination of utter humiliation and social triumph, but that was not why she frowned and informed her closest comrade of the (not stronger, not bolder) taller sex, "I'm real sorry, Len, but I can't go witcha this time."

"Why not?" he petulantly inquired. "I already asked Squiggy's Uncle Elliott to lend us costumes again."

She resented him taking her for granted in such a way, so she forewent her plans to let him down gently and instead declared, "I happen to have a date that night."

"Two weeks from now?" he responded skeptically. In their lower-class Milwaukee milieu, committing to a social engagement so far in advance as a fortnight was rare, hence Lenny having sent an engraved invitation.

She could've bluffed and puffed about her previous commitment, but she had not invited Lenny over to quarrel. "It's a blind date," she confessed.

"Then break it."

"I can't, I promised Shirl and Carmine."

Miss Shirley Feeney shared Laverne's apartment and much of her life, although the two young ladies were a study in contrasts. Shirley dreamed of marrying a physician or other gentleman above her station. However, she had long been courted, if not exclusively, by one Carmine Ragusa, a former pugilist still known informally as "the Big Ragoo."

"Carmine?" Lenny echoed in puzzlement. Laverne knew that it was unsurprising that Shirley would set her up on a blind date, for Shirley was a born matchmaker. Carmine, in contradistinction, did not like to meddle in others' romantic lives.

"Yeah, his cousin Elroy is moving to town."

Lenny snickered. "Elroy?"

Laverne rolled her eyes. "I know, he's probably a big nerd, but I gave my word."

Lenny nodded and rose to his feet, understanding the importance of one's word. "Well, maybe some other ball."

"Len, I can't be a debutante again, it's been three years."

"It ain't that kind of ball."

"What kind is it?"

He scowled. "Never mind. If you can't go, it don't matter." He turned as if to depart. He was generally of a sanguine temperament, but inclined to fits of both melancholy and choler when he met with disappointment.

However, Laverne was never one to encourage sulking in those she cared for (although she was vulnerable to such sulks herself), and she had a great deal of influence over Kosnowski. She had only to say the first syllable of his first name for him to face her once more and blurt out, "I'm in the top ten!"

Her olive-complected face was covered in confusion. "Did the Squiggtones release a single?" She referred to the musical duo that Lenny had formed several years previously with his closest companion, Andrew "Squiggy" Squiggman. The small combo, Lenny and the Squiggtones, had performed in local amateur competitions but had not yet, to Laverne's knowledge, committed any of their peculiar if charming compositions to the permanency of polyvinyl chloride.

"Nah, we can never agree on which is the A side and which is the F side. Besides, I'm not gonna have time for music now that I'm tenth in line for the Polish throne."

"Tenth?! Just three years ago, you were 89th!"

"Well, there's been a lot of deaths in the past couple years."

"From plague?" she whispered fearfully.

"Nah, there were just a lot of real old people ahead of me in line. Anyways, now I've gotta start goin' to more balls and stuff 'cause I'm single."

"Huh?"

"You know me, Laverne, the famous Lone Wolf." He made a quarter turn to expose the letter L that she had embroidered onto his crimson jacket after a disappointing purchase in the Chinese section of town.

"I remember," she said, also remembering the kiss of gratitude that he had startled her with.

"I never wanted to settle down," he said with little of his accustomed frankness, for he had unsuccessfully proposed marriage to her twice. "But now that I've moved up in line and now that I'm at the marrying age, almost twenty-five, well, I'm supposed to at least look at illegible debutantes."

"Oh." She felt as if she should accompany him to the ball as protection, but she wanted neither to break her word to Shirley and Carmine nor to lead Lenny into thinking she possessed feelings of anything other than a platonic nature. Beyond that, she couldn't go to every ball or prevent every attempt at matchmaking. So she instead burst into a soul song by William "Smokey" Robinson, Jr. and his Miracles, "Shop Around," popular three years before.

Lenny smiled and musically accompanied her. When their duet was complete, he said, "Don't worry, Laverne, I won't be sold on the very first one."


	2. In which two cousins are compared and contrasted

A fortnight later, Laverne experienced regret at agreeing to meet Elroy Ragusa at a dancing establishment. To begin with, it reminded her that Lenny was dancing with debutantes that evening, unless the poor man was a wallflower at the ball. Kosnowski was sometimes shy with women, and he was not well versed in the Terpsichorean arts.

Then again, Lenny was much more of a catch than he'd been, at least in regards to the sort of women he'd meet at a debutante ball. He was a naive, trusting soul and might fall prey to a scheming maiden who hoped to become countess and perhaps someday queen. Laverne had to trust that he would not rush into anything before she could meet any of his serious prospects.

Setting aside her concerned protectiveness of her chum, she did not think the Dance Palace was the ideal venue to be introduced to her soon to be new acquaintance. What if Mr. Ragusa was no more a master of dance than Kosnowski? He was first cousin to the Mr. Ragusa who owned a dance instructional facility, but that was no guarantee of his own grace and agility.

Or what if he attempted to take liberties on the dance floor? Laverne could of course slap him, and the Big Ragoo would come swiftly to her defense even against his own cousin, but she hoped that such a situation would not arise.

Most likely, however, Elroy would be a "nerd," even if was related to a man as "cool" as Carmine. With a name like Elroy, with all its connotations of the _Jetsons_ television program, how could it be otherwise? Well, Laverne had been on dates with nerds and "oddballs" before, from her former academic colleague Warren the Eraserhead to Allan Steckler, a young man who nibbled on his own stockings, and one more evening in such company was endurable. It was not as if she would have to become Mrs. Elroy Ragusa.

"Oh, there they are, Laverne," said Shirley.

Laverne's eyes shifted to the direction of the doorway and then widened in astonishment. If the stranger had not been accompanied by an individual as familiar as the Big Ragoo, she might've guessed he was some relation of her best friend's beau, but she wouldn't have fathomed that he was either named Elroy or her assigned companion.

He resembled Carmine to some degree in face and hair, although his features had never been disarranged by the fist of another, and his dark, curly hair was trimmed more neatly than Carmine's was in the mid 1960s. It was his body that set him apart from the man who took Shirley to the senior year promenade. While their musculature was not dissimilar, particularly their chests and arms, Elroy was a good foot taller than Carmine. Laverne had a definite preference for tall men.

The Milwaukee Ragusa sighted their table, waved, and led his cousin over. He kissed his sweetheart upon her cheek and said, "Girls, I'd like you to meet my cousin Elroy."

The taller man shook his head so that both his curls and his neck muscles rippled. "I told you, Carmo, I go by Roy now."

Carmine looked embarrassed and quietly said, "I forgot."

Laverne's conflicted emotions ranged from a longing to tease "Carmo" to a resentment towards the newcomer who had embarrassed him in a public place. However, she knew from experience that it was best not to meddle in the affairs of other families unless strictly necessary. Moreover, Laverne was then more invested in how the stranger got along with her.

"Pleased to meet ya," she said and held out her hand to shake. Unfortunately, her roommate said and did the exact same thing at the exact same moment.

Far from being flustered, Roy Ragusa took a hand in each of his and shook them ambidextrously. "Ah, Laverne and Shirley. You're both even more gorgeous than Carmine said."

Laverne did not appreciate sharing a compliment and a handshake with her best friend, but Mr. Ragusa continued to cling to her hand after he let go of Shirley's. He looked into her eyes with his own, of a shade much like chocolate caramel, and asked, "Shall we dance?"

"That's why we're here, right?"

He chuckled and led her out to the dance floor. He turned out to be a splendid dancer. He was less showy than Carmine, who, after all, danced professionally, but he danced with poise and confidence.

After awhile, she remarked, "You're a pretty good dancer."

"Carmine said we had things in common."

She laughed because it was a funny way of returning a compliment, although she wasn't sure if he was intending to be jocular. Then he smiled and twirled her.

Several dances later, she and Shirley excused themselves to the ladies' lavatory to tend to their cosmetics.

"So what do you think?" Shirley inquired in front of the looking-glass.

"About Roy?" Laverne reapplied her lipstick before answering. "He's cute and a pretty good dancer, but I know hardly anything about him."

Shirley must have been aware that Laverne was tempering her enthusiasm, since Roy was more than cute and more than a pretty good dancer. However, she simply said, "We can go somewhere quieter if you want to talk to him."

What Laverne most wanted to do with Roy was be alone with him and get to know him better physically, but she knew her best friend would disapprove if she said, "I just wanna make out with him a little." So she nodded and suggested they all take a little walk through the park after dancing. She would probably be able to at least hold hands with Roy. Meanwhile, she hoped a slow dance would play soon.

....

A quarter century later, Laverne would remark to her adolescent daughters, "In those days, it was like I was dating the straight version of the Village People." She was not strictly accurate, as she would not be romanced by cowboys until she moved to California, and she'd been courted by far more sailors than General Issue servicemen. Still, Mr. Fonzarelli was in a sense a "leather man," and Mr. Hughes was a police officer. And Roy Ragusa, as it turned out, was a construction worker.

Laverne liked that he worked with his hands, that he helped construct large edifices. She thought manual labor was something to be proud of and did not share Shirley's interest in professional men. If Roy had been an architect instead, and not Carmine's cousin, the girls might've been in competition for his attention. As it was, Shirley seemed pleased that this was one of her more successful matches, since sometimes the matched pair wouldn't make it through the first date. The dancing had gone well and Laverne and Roy had had a pleasant conversation in the park. She even vaguely consented to continue the courtship, although no definitive plans were made at this time.

As the girls prepared to retire that evening, Shirley appeared surprised that Laverne did not demonstrate more enthusiasm. "You like him, don't you?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm goin' out with him again, aren't I?"

"Yes, but I don't know, I expected you to be crazy about him."

"I just met the guy!" Laverne exclaimed defensively.

"Sorry, Vernie," Shirley sheepishly replied. "I'm glad you like him."

"Thanks, Shirl." She knew her best friend had the best of intentions.

After the girls bade each other goodnight, Laverne lay awake awhile longer, wondering why Roy hadn't tried to kiss her goodnight. Was there something wrong with him, or her? Maybe he simply didn't kiss on the first date, or erroneously thought she didn't. She certainly wasn't going to show greater enthusiasm for Ragusa until she knew if he was a satisfactory kisser. (His cousin was, she knew from first- and secondhand experience, more so of the latter, a fine kisser, but those sorts of things did not necessarily run in families.)

Her last conscious thoughts that evening were of another man, a man whom she visualized surrounded by female social-climbers in ball gowns.


	3. In which our hero has another social engagement

For the second Saturday in a row, Kosnowski was putting on a tuxedo that normally adorned a wax figure of Harry Houdini.

"Uncle Elliott can sell that assemble to ya real cheap if ya want," remarked Squiggman, who paradoxically combined an informality of speech with a talent for malapropisms. As Squiggy's best chum, Lenny was influenced in this and other ways, although the two men were as much a study in contrasts as their neighbors in the cellar.

"Thanks, Squig," he said, adjusting his cummerbund the way Laverne had shown him some four years back. "But I don't know how many of these wingdings I'm gonna go to."

"I don't blame ya, all them dames tryin' to trap ya and you probably won't get any royal voe-dee-oh-doe outta it until you marry one of 'em."

One of the differences between the two men was their attitudes towards marriage. Andrew saw it as the end of youth and freedom, but an eventuality he would succumb to should he meet a young lady worthy of helping him carry on the name of Squiggman. He had been in love multiple times but never for a full month.

Leonard, in contrast, had only been in love once in his life and had remained so for years. Unfortunately, the object of his affections was Miss DeFazio, who regarded him as a close friend and who, as mentioned in a previous chapter, had twice rejected his matrimonial offers. He bore her no ill will for this and still hoped to marry someday, if he could meet her equal.

The idea of marrying a young lady he would make the acquaintance of at a ball or cotillion was not unpleasant, but he knew he could only marry for love, and the odds of finding a girl who shared his interests were small to begin with. Still, he was going to give it a few more tries before he gave up on meeting a future countess who loved athletics, monster cinema, and rock-and-roll music as much as he did.

"You know what you need?" Squiggy said, as Lenny tied his tie.

"Stronger mouthwash? More fragrant deodorant? The rest of the butler correspondence course we flunked out of six years ago?"

"Besides all that. You need a matchmaker."

Lenny guffawed. "You volunteering?"

"Nah, I don't know nothin' about society dames. But there must be something like the Len-o-vac for Polish royalty." He referred to the computerized version of Lenny that he had designed to make romantic alliances, with their greatest success pairing Laverne and Shirley with two charming, if diminutive gentlemen. (This was one of several disappointing business ventures that had failed to discourage the intrepid and innovative Mr. Squiggman.)

"Yeah, I guess."

"You should ask around at the hootenanny tonight."

"There's no hurry, Squig. It's not like I gotta get married by Michaelmas or somethin'."

"No, but it ain't like they're gonna find your Miss Right on Day One. You're sort of eunuch and one-of-a-kind ya know."

"Thanks, Squig." The two gentlemen differed in their levels of sentiment as well, with Kosnowski much quicker with compliments and expressions of affection, so this was as if Squiggman had said that Lenny was his dearest friend in the world and it would be difficult to find a young woman who was worthy of him. The feeling was mutual of course, but Lenny knew better than to verbalize it just then.

....

Lenny returned from this ball as he'd arrived: without female companionship. He didn't mind going stag, since he was a lone wolf, but he took comfort in the presence of trusted friends. Until he could make a romantic connection with a young lady, he was going to have to endure awkward small talk with strangers. Unlike the other members of exiled Polish royalty and nobility, he had not been immersed in this world since infancy. He was aware of his lineage, but it played small role in his life until recently.

His Grandfather Kosnowski, at the time 95th in line for the throne, had explained when Lenny was a wee lad how they were banished (a long story involving a hog in the royal kitchen) and yet not disinherited. Grandpa had since passed on, as had his only son, but Lenny was now the Kulikowski claimant. As it was, Lenny did not hunger for the Polish crown, but he thought it might be fun to be king someday. He'd probably be entitled to a lifetime supply of Bosco and Rice-a-Roni.

He was likely the only individual to arrive at and depart from fancy balls in a beer truck. He tried not to be self-conscious about that. He wanted to stay true to himself, and he hoped his future countess would love him for that self. He felt as if he was mainly meeting pretentious phonies, but he just needed one young lady who was true to her own self.

His thoughts turned to Laverne, as they so easily and so frequently did. Everything he did and everywhere he went was improved by her presence. He knew that there had been some moments of awkwardness for her when she had her debut, but overall it had been a splendid time and they had laughed and talked as he couldn't with anyone he was meeting at subsequent balls.

It helped that their friendship was of many years standing. And yet, he'd known Miss Feeney just as long and, fond of her as he was, he could never relax in her presence as he could in Miss DeFazio's. Shirley had kindly recently given him etiquette lessons, but he knew that if she had ever gone as his date to a dance, he would've felt even more awkward and self-conscious. Laverne's manner was more relaxed and thus put him at ease, although she would not hesitate to correct him, as with the cummerbund.

He had not asked her to this dance, since he'd heard through the grapevine that she had another date with Carmine's cousin. He did not begrudge her her beaus. Although Lenny was far from free of jealousy, he generally and genuinely wished Laverne well in her romances. She had had more than her fair share of heartache and disappointment, and he did hope things would work out well for her.

He had asked her about the blind date but all she said was that Elroy turned out to be less of a nerd than she expected. Lenny was not prepared to stumble upon her in the non-nerd's embrace by the mailboxes of 730 Knapp Street. It was some comfort that these were indoor mailboxes.

Kosnowski and Ragusa had not yet been introduced, but Lenny easily guessed who the taller man was through the resemblance to the somewhat ironically nicknamed Big Ragoo. Elroy's eyes were closed as he leaned down to kiss Laverne. Lenny took this opportunity to make a hasty and hopefully unobserved retreat.

On his way upstairs, he thought it might be time to employ a matchmaker.


	4. In which our heroine receives a modest proposal

To celebrate a month of courtship, Roy Ragusa took Laverne to a nice restaurant. "Nice" is a word notorious for its imprecision, but in this case it meant somewhere between La Fondue and the Pizza Bowl on the scale of expense and grandeur. They had been to Laverne's father's pizzeria multiple times, and Mr. DeFazio frequently expressed his delight that his only child had a boyfriend of Italian descent. He had long longed for her to wed and provide a grandson, and an Italian son-in-law was his dream, despite his happiness with a second wife who wasn't even Catholic.

This restaurant was not attached to a sporting facility, but it lacked the pretension of a French restaurant. It was within Roy's budget, and they never went Dutch-style.

"Thank you for taking me here," she said.

"Well, it is a special occasion." Then he reached into his dinner jacket and took out a flat little box.

"Roy, you didn't have to get me anything."

"I wanted to."

She knew by then that he seldom did anything he didn't want to. When he first kissed her on their second date, by the mailboxes in her lobby, it was because he wanted to. She asked him, on their third date, why he hadn't before, expecting him to say that he wanted to wait until they were alone, particularly since his cousin and her roommate were understandably curious about their compatibility.

"I don't like to kiss on the first date. Not because I'm old-fashioned, at least not in that way. But I like to get to know a girl and see if I like her before making out muddles my mind."

That made sense at the time, except Laverne had never, after a month, seen Roy with a muddled mind. Even when they made out, he remained perfectly rational. His breath might quicken and his deep voice might somehow deepen even further, but whatever physiological changes he might undergo, he never took liberties beyond what either of them was comfortable with.

She was grateful for this, but he gave her goosebumps and she desired to fully experience desire. She supposed they could just keep taking it slow, but it was an adjustment for this impulsive young lady. Perhaps he was waiting until they were going steady, if that ever happened.

He must have had some feelings for her, since he'd bought her a gift. She tore off the wrapping paper and saw a jeweler's box. She wondered if he had purchased a bracelet or necklace. She opened the box and stared.

"Roy," she whispered hoarsely, "this is a ring." It was, lying there in a box much too large.

"You sound surprised."

"Well, yeah." She felt as if she couldn't say she'd simply hoped for a charm bracelet.

"Well, we've been dating a month and we're very compatible. And it would make Carmine, Shirley, and your father very happy if we got married."

That was true, but there were more important things than being a matchmaking success. "Would it make you happy?"

"Of course. You're a great girl, Laverne."

Although she couldn't pinpoint why, Laverne felt like this was the worst marriage proposal she would ever receive. (A Hollywood party two years later would prove her wrong.). It wasn't just that he hadn't declared his love or even sweet-talked her. She kept her sentimental side well hidden, but she would've liked a proposal that wasn't so matter-of-fact, as if marrying Roy were the most rational thing she could do.

She of course knew all he had going for him: tall, gorgeous, good kisser, good dancer, hard worker, and, yes, Italian. He was intelligent and had a sense of humor. They had common interests and goals. There was nothing wrong with him, except that there was nothing wrong with him. How could she love a man without flaws? She had resolved after faltering at the altar with Sal Malina that she would never marry a man she didn't love.

"Roy, I'm very flattered." She was, because in some ways he was out of her league, although she hadn't let that stop her with Randy Carpenter, a relationship that had turned out to be too good to last. "But I can't marry you."

It was his turn to look surprised. "Why not?"

She had no reason that he could fathom. Even a declaration of lack of love would only puzzle him. She knew he was exactly the sort of man she was supposed to love. "Well, I, it's hard to explain."

"Is there someone else?"

That, too, sounded preposterous, because she'd had no time to be courted by anyone else since they met. And how could she have met anyone better than he?

She took a bite of her dinner and swallowed before she said, "Well, yeah."

He frowned. "You were cheating on me? Or on him?"

"It isn't like that. You and me, we weren't even going steady. Me and him, well, we have an understanding."

"What kind of understanding?"

She thought of Shirley's understanding with Roy's cousin, that Shirley could date other men and Carmine could date "ugly women." She said, "We can see other people, but nothing too serious."

"I don't understand your understanding. Are you going steady or what?"

She took another bite and swallow, hardly aware of what she was eating, before blurting out, "We're secretly engaged!"

He stared at her and then laughed. "You had me going for a moment."

"It's true," she said dropping to a whisper again.

"Why is it secret?" he whispered back.

"Because my father would never approve."

"Why would you want to marry someone Frank doesn't approve of?"

Her father had early on asked Roy to call him by his first name, and Laverne was certain he was holding back from saying, "Call me Pop."

"Well, when I say never, I mean it won't be easy to bring him around."

"And why's that?"

She tried to think of a quality that her father would disapprove of but which would not be insurmountable. For instance, she could scarcely confide, "My fiancé is an inveterate gambler, but I think Pop will get over that." Then she recalled one of the stumbling blocks to a happy union she had foreseen until Carpenter's untimely demise. "The guy's not Italian."

"What is he?"

She didn't see what difference it made. It wasn't as if her father were prejudiced against any particular nationality. He was merely proudly Italian-American. Nonetheless, she improvised, "He's Polish."

Roy's perfect brow furrowed. "You mean Kosnowski?"

Although there were many men of Polish descent residing in Milwaukee, it was natural for him to think of the one he'd met and knew to be one of her comrades. And indeed, she had had Lenny in mind when she said it. Perhaps she could get her chum to engage in a harmless deception so as to discourage her too matrimonially minded suitor. She would need to talk to Lenny after she got home from what might be her last date with Roy. She didn't know if he'd want to continue to court her if it would not end in marriage. She would address that matter later, as well as the inevitable disappointment of her father, best friend, and favorite Ragusa.

She took a sip of water. "That's right. The blond truck-driver who lives in my building." She took another sip, because the restaurant felt rather warm the last few minutes.

"The guy standing in the doorway with a cute redhead?"

Laverne turned her gaze towards the entrance and performed what in the entertainment profession would've been perceived as a perfect spit-take.


	5. In which our hero is dazed and confused

The Count of Kulikowski was puzzled. On paper and in person, Miss Audrey Farber should've been his ideal mate. Yet, despite the matchmaker's money-back guarantee and Miss DeFazio's advice to seek a female companion with common interests, he did not possess that special feeling that a man seeks to acquire for a woman, particularly in the pursuit of matrimony.

He and Squiggman had performed Ronalds at the line in the periodical advertisement proffering "unless completely satisfied," for they were youthful, libidinously minded bachelors who sometimes expressed lustful urges and expectations in the forms of manual mastication for Kosnowski and "Hey, Chickie Baby" air-pinches for Squiggman. However, Lenny had not done more than embrace and kiss Miss Farber thus far. To begin with, he had been raised to believe that there were "girls you fooled around with" and maidens a gentleman could potentially wed. Admittedly, the categories blurred at times, as they had with Miss DeFazio, whom he would be content to fool around with in or out of wedlock. With a debutante, such as Miss Farber, he supposed he would have to wait for an engagement before attempting second or any higher bases.

The fact of the matter was he wasn't sure he wanted to become more physical with Miss Farber, whatever the status of their relationship. This was no reflection on her, including physically. She was just under middle height for a woman, with an elegant and yet spritely form. Her hair was of a Titian hue, and a light dusting of freckles gave her face a warmth without marring her fair complexion.

She did not, as Miss DeFazio did, practice athletics, but she did follow them, from baseball to wrestling. Furthermore, she possessed a knowledge of Mothra that put Squiggman to shame. Most importantly, she shared Lenny's love of music, of all genres, although she played classical on the pianoforte and harpsichord, while he was an accomplished guitarist for popular music. She was able to perform boogie-woogie duets with him after the consumption of one bottle of Shotz beer.

While Lenny often found himself at a loss for words with attractive young ladies, particularly from the ranks of nobility, he and Miss Farber chatted with ease from the first. He was able to make her laugh, and her laughter was as pleasant as her private-school-trained voice.

Unlike himself, she had been raised with not only full consciousness of her place in the Polish line of succession, but a plan to capitalize upon this. Her lower-middle-class parents scrimped and saved so that she could have all the education and training necessary to perhaps someday wear a princess's coronet. She had been a scholarship girl at Pfister Preparatory Academy, but "Bitsy" worked hard to prove herself.

Her father, Laszlo Farber (née Fabrycki), was currently eighth in line for the Polish throne, and as his claim was not entailed upon a male heir, his only child was ninth in line, just ahead of Lenny, as Squiggy had noted. "You gotta unite your claims," the shrewd chum had advised, causing Lenny to bite his hand, although he was driving their beer truck. For once, however, Squiggman did not intend innuendo. He carefully explained how when two noble houses united, it strengthened their chances of assuming a throne, especially in a time of flux, as the mid-twentieth century was for the land of the Poles in particular. "The matchmaker probably calcinated that in when she found you Lady Audrey."

Lenny was neither ambitious for nor adverse to ascending the throne. He thought if it was supposed to happen, it would happen, but he wasn't going to marry a girl he didn't love just to increase his odds. Still, she was pleasant company and perhaps love would come in time.

To celebrate two weeks of courtship, he took her to a nice although not fancy restaurant. They had plans to view a TohoScope motion picture afterwards.

He'd made reservations, but as they were following the waiter to a table, Lenny got distracted by a familiar hand signaling to him.

"Hey, that's Laverne and her new boyfriend, Elroy! Let's go say hi."

To the bafflement of Miss Farber and the waiter, Lenny took a sharp left turn towards the booth occupied by his favorite neighbor and her suitor.

Laverne slid over to make more room and said, "Join us, Len." Lenny slid in next to but not close to her, since they were on dates with other people. After some hesitation, Lady Audrey sat on his other side.

The waiter said, "I'll bring back the menus," and departed.

"I didn't mean to crash your date, Laverne," Lenny said, trying not to dwell on how attractive he found Miss DeFazio that evening.

"It's all right, Kosnowski," Mr. Ragusa said. "Laverne told me your little secret."

"Secret?" echoed both Miss Farber and Lenny, she suspiciously, he nervously. He fervently hoped Laverne hadn't revealed his crush on her to her muscular beau.

To his even greater surprise, Laverne took his hand on the table, in full sight of their dates, and said, "Lenny Honey, we'll talk about it later."


	6. In which our heroine fakes it

Laverne had no idea who Lenny's little friend was, but she was certain that he couldn't care three straws about such a nasty little freckled thing. If it were a young lady he possessed even minimal inclination towards, he would have, as in the past, with even first dates, performed an introduction to Laverne. Miss DeFazio well recalled his flaunting his rebound relationship after her gentle rejection of his infatuated offer to be her beau and perhaps her husband. He had unnecessarily brought one Bridget Jones to the cellar to have what should have been a private conversation with his roommate, covering Miss Jones's supposedly delicate ears, which Laverne thought protuberated slightly. Laverne rapidly assessed the young lady as not good enough for Lenny, but fortunately the relationship, like all of Lenny's, did not last long.

In any case, Lenny's arrival in this restaurant with a female companion was not an insuperable barrier. Laverne had simply to act as if she and Kosnowski were clandestinely betrothed, which meant she would express mild affection in front of Ragusa, enough to convince and dissuade him, but not enough to draw attention beyond this booth.

As for Kosnowski, she regretted having put him in this delicate situation, particularly without preparation. However, his discomfiture and confusion served her purposes well, for they suited the demeanor of a man in fear of the exposure of a secret engagement.

The redhaired young lady sweetly said, "Oh, don't mind me. If you and 'Lenny Honey' have something to discuss, you go right ahead." Her sharp little eyes glinted with meaning.

"I don't believe we've met," Ragusa said in his easy-going, charming manner.

As Kosnowski was the only one present who knew everyone, he quickly performed the introductions.

Roy reached across the table to shake Miss Farber's hand but did not retain it long.

"Pleased to meet you," she said.

"Likewise," he said. Then he looked at Lenny and asked, "Kosnowski, have you told her yet?"

Misunderstanding, Lenny looked at Laverne, who was still holding his hand. "Uh, there's not anything I need to tell Laverne."

"No, Sweetie, Roy means about our secret."

"Oh, right," Lenny said slowly, "our secret."

Roy shook his head. "I'll admit I was surprised, but no hard feelings, Buddy." This time he offered his hand to Lenny to shake.

Lenny gave the hand that Laverne wasn't holding and said, "Um, thanks for being so understanding."

Laverne felt sorry for Lenny but also amused, although she did her best to hide it. Then she looked over and saw Miss Farber glaring at her, although the expression disappeared a moment later.

"I hate to be a party pooper," the redhead said, "but I have a sudden headache. Lenny, could you take me home?"

"Um, sure." He pulled his hand away from Laverne's.

Laverne felt greater pity for her chum, since he would have to explain things to Miss Farber without knowing what Laverne was up to. She even felt sorry for Miss Farber. The ginger debutante might be a designing woman, but she couldn't have anticipated this fly in the ointment. Then again, it wasn't as if this was a courtship of long standing, and Laverne doubted the young lady had any genuine attachment to Kosnowski.

"If it's all right with everyone," Roy said, "maybe I could take Audrey home, since you two have a lot to discuss." He cast a half smile in the direction of Laverne and Lenny.

"That's very kind of you, Sir," Audrey said, dipping her gaze modestly.

"Not at all," he replied with a full smile.

They both got to their feet and Ragusa took out his wallet. He threw a large sum of money onto the table. "This should cover it, with a little extra in case Kosnowski wants something."

Now Laverne felt guilty. Elroy Ragusa was an honorable gentleman and she was deceiving him. "Roy, you don't have to do that."

"Consider it a gift for, well, you know." Then he held out his arm and said, "Please allow me to escort you home, Lady Audrey."

The redhead placed a manicured hand upon the sleeve of his black dinner jacket and beamed up at him. "You're too kind."

Laverne and Lenny watched their dates depart together.

Then the waiter returned with the menus.

....

"Thank you for explaining all that to me," Lenny said in the lobby when they returned from the nice restaurant.

"You're not mad?"

"Nah, I'm kinda flattered you thought of me for your fake betrothed."

"Well, good, but I'm sorry about Audrey."

He shrugged. "Well, I liked her but I didn't like her."

"Yeah, that's kinda how I felt about Roy."

There was an awkward silence. Laverne was thinking of how she'd sort of chosen Lenny over Roy, even though Lenny was just a friend. She didn't know what Lenny was thinking, but she knew it was very easy for him to get ideas about her. Nonetheless, she suggested, "Would you like to come in for a snack?"

They had both dined well as they talked in whispers. Lenny paid for whatever part of the bill that Ragusa hadn't covered. Laverne's appetite had come back, and Lenny was almost always hungry.

"Yeah, thanks."

Laverne unlocked and opened her front door. She was mildly surprised to see her roommate kissing intently with Carmine Ragusa. In truth, Miss Feeney's surprise appeared to be greater in this case. She sprung apart from her beau and exclaimed, "Laverne, what are you doing back so soon?"

Carmine turned his head and said, "Hey, I thought you had a date with Roy tonight."

Lenny strode over to the coffee table to help himself to the potato chippings and onion spread that Shirley had set out for her guest. Laverne followed more slowly. It would be difficult to explain her rupture with Elroy without involving poor Leonard further. "Well...," she began, hoping that inspiration would strike her as it had in the restaurant.

"Muffin, are you crazy?"

She turned and saw her father in the open doorway, his apron covered in blood like tomato sauce, his mustache vibrating with rage. "Um, hi, Pop."

"How could you turn down a paisan like Roy for this picklehead?" He pointed at Kosnowski, who stood frozen with a mouth full of chips and dip, his face covered in apprehension, although he was not at fault in this instance.

"You dumped my cousin?" Carmine demanded indignantly.

"For Lenny?" a baffled Shirley added.

Before Laverne could come up with a satisfactory explanation, her father said, "She didn't just dump him. He proposed to her tonight, but she told him she's secretly engaged to Lenny!"

The couple on the sopha looked wordlessly from Mr. DeFazio to his daughter to their other old classmate. Then Carmine scoffed, "I don't believe it!", as Shirley wailed, "Oh, Vernie, this can't be true!"

Laverne blustered, "I wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true, would I?"

"Why didn't you tell your own father?" Mr. DeFazio asked in an admixture of anger and hurt.

"Well, Lenny ain't Italian."

"Yeah, but at least he's Catholic. And he likes you and he'll be good to you. Or else!" He gave the tall young man a stern look of warning. Kosnowski trembled and nodded. Then DeFazio gave his daughter a kiss on the cheek. "I gotta go talk to Father Gucci about the wedding."

Laverne knew she should stop her father before this got further out of hand, but she was stunned by the rapidly evolving situation that she had set in motion.

"You let me set my poor cousin up with you, when you've been engaged this whole time?"

Shirley crossed her arms. "Exactly how long have you two been engaged?"

"Um, since he proposed."

"Laverne!" Shirley gasped. "That was over four years ago and you've dated so many men since then, including Randy."

Laverne winced at the reference to her late beau, the firefighter she'd hoped to wed. "No, this was after. About a year ago."

"And you never told me, your best friend? I've never heard of anything so lowdown and treacherous!"

"Hello!" Squiggman thundered from the doorway. Then he went to Kosnowski, slapped him across the cheek with a mitten, and declared, "Don't expect a baccalaureate party outta me, even if I am your best man."

Lenny finally swallowed and said, "I ain't engaged to Laverne. I was just doin' her a favor." He departed, leaving Laverne to explain everything to their mutual friends.


	7. In which conclusions are drawn

The following day was Saturday and Lenny awoke with a headache. He had slept fitfully, tossing and turning on his bunk bed until Squiggman kicked from below and ordered, "Cut it out!"

Squiggy had returned to their apartment about half an hour after Lenny. "Laverne explained why she did what she did, but I still think it's rotten that she sunk your chances with Lady Audrey."

"I don't mind."

"Well, I do. You still owe me for my contrabantion to the matchmakers."

"I'll pay you back as soon as I can."

Lenny had contemplated going through with the fake engagement, at least awhile longer. After all, Mr. DeFazio was far more accepting than Lenny had ever hoped for. And it might be Lenny's only chance to marry Laverne. Perhaps if they feigned a betrothal long enough, she might develop feelings for him at last.

Unfortunately, Lenny was not skilled in sustaining subterfuge. Furthermore, Laverne had never wanted to be engaged to him, and it would be unfair to both to continue the charade much longer. Laverne had achieved her goal of discouraging Elroy Ragusa, and even if Carmine's cousin discovered the deception, he was unlikely to propose again.

Lenny arose from bed the next morning and hoped a shower would refresh him. Along with a pair of lozenges of acetylsalicylic acid, it at least cleared his head, although he still carried a heavy heart.

He sighed and decided to go for a walk. He got dressed and grabbed his keys. He thought of leaving a note for his still dozing roommate, but he didn't plan to be gone long.

As he was locking up, he heard his favorite female voice say, "Len, I wanna apologize for last night."

He turned to face her and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. You was stuck between a rock and a hard placemat."

"Still, if you want, I could apologize to Audrey."

"Like I said, I wasn't that serious about her."

"Yeah, but I lied to Roy and he probably ended up telling her, even though it was supposed to be a secret."

"He told your father, too, huh?"

She scowled. "Yeah, he musta run right to the Pizza Bowl after he dropped Audrey off, tryin' to get sympathy from 'Frank'."

"But your dad came round to me as a son-in-law."

"Well, yeah, Pop's so desperate to marry me off, with me almost twenty-five, he'll take almost anybody."

Now he scowled. "Thanks a lot."

"Oh, Len, this is a rotten apology. I just meant because you're not Italian."

He knew she was lying, but it was still sweet of her to try to make amends. He smiled a little. "Come on, I'll drive you over to Audrey's.

The Farbers lived in a different neighborhood of Milwaukee, with modest one-family dwellings. Their grounds were far from extensive but neat and well tended. In fact, the Marquis of Mazurka was mowing the lawn when they arrived. In the past, he had greeted the Count of Kulikowski with a warm smile and a hearty handshake, although Lenny's personal appearance and demeanor were not generally pleasing to fathers. This time, however, he frowned when the beer truck pulled into the driveway and he seemed to shut off the lawnmower with great reluctance. Lenny was positive that Miss Farber had reported her suitor's alleged prior commitment.

Lenny parked his vehicle and both he and Laverne descended onto the concrete, then approached Mr. Farber with caution. "Um, hi, Sir."

"Kosnowski," the older man acknowledged him gruffly.

"Er, can we see Audrey?"

Mr. Farber flatly said, "No."

Lenny didn't know if Miss Farber simply wasn't receiving visitors or if she was at home to everyone save himself. Perhaps her father had forbade her to ever speak to Lenny again. Howsoever, Lenny was not going to give up so easily, particularly with such a brave and determined girl at his side. "We came to apologize."

Laverne nodded. "It's mostly my fault."

"Well, you're too late. She ain't here no more."

Lenny gasped in horror. Had Audrey killed herself over him?

Rather than leaping to such a conclusion, Laverne asked, "When will she be back?"

"Probably in about two weeks."

Lenny and Laverne both echoed, "Two weeks!?" in surprise, although for different reasons.

Mr. Farber nodded and reached into his pocket. He handed Lenny a note, which the two friends silently read together:

_Dearest Mama and Papa,_

_I have eloped with a wonderful man! He is tall and handsome, with many wonderful qualities that Kosnowski lacks. However, I am eternally grateful to Kosnowski for introducing us. I know you will love Roy, too, when I introduce you after the honeymoon._

_Your loving daughter,  
Bitsy Ragusa_

"Who is this Roy Ragusa who's run off with my daughter?"

Lenny cast a glance at Laverne, who appeared to be struggling to bite her tongue over what a cad her most recent beau was. Lenny lacked self-confidence, so he could understand Miss Farber preferring another man, and he was grateful that she had not exposed the false engagement. "He's a good guy, a hard-working construction worker."

"Does he have any claim to the Polish throne?"

"No, he's Italian."

"Oh. He didn't get her in trouble, did he?"

Lenny thought that eloping with someone she'd just met was one sort of trouble, but he knew her father meant the sort that there hadn't yet been time for.

Laverne answered, "He's a perfect gentleman."

"Well, I'm still asking the matchmaker for a refund, and I suggest you do the same, Young Man."

"It's OK. I'm just naturally unlucky in love."

"Oh. What did you two want to apologize to Bitsy for?"

"It don't matter no more."

"Yeah," Laverne interjected, "I think we're even now."

"Thank you for your time, Sir."

The older man nodded and went back to mowing his lawn.

Lenny and Laverne ascended into the truck cab but he had to gather his wits before he could drive away.

Laverne touched the sleeve of his Lone Wolf jacket and said, "I'm sorry, Len."

He shook his head. "You lost somebody, too."

"Eh, they deserve each other."

He snorted and then sighed. "Hey, you wanna go to the movies?"

"It's a little early for the movies, but, yeah, we could do something together today. As friends I mean."

"Your friendship has been the most important of my life."

"You will always have it."

Then they broke the serious mood by giving each other noogies. They noticed Mr. Farber staring at them, so they broke apart, giggling.

Lenny started the beer truck and drove off into an unknown but promising future, certain that Laverne would accompany him at least partway, whether or not he stayed in the Top Ten.


End file.
